Thursday, December 8

I feel things again. But only hurt. I suggested the idea that we date again, so guys will back off of her. Oh no. She still likes Michael. She doesn't want to screw things up with him. No, she just wants to screw him. I also found out, she only did that to get him to like her. She never did anything like that for me. Apparently she likes him more than me. I mean, seriously, she can either screw things up with him, or with me. So far she has continually chosen to screw things up with me. I looked up the guy before school on facebook. Almost punch a hole through my computer, just from seeing his face. I start to wonder if I forgave her too easily. I did. She hasn't had any consequences so far. No, just me. The dreams. My knuckles are raw. Oh well, just keep smiling for the friends and the parents, laugh at their jokes, pretend to feel sorry for them. My friends says he's depressed because he can't eat lunch with his girlfriend. I want to laugh at him, slap him, beat the shit out of him, and give him a wake up call on life. But I just tell him I'm sorry.

         I get home. It's my moms birthday. I give her a quick kiss, then go upstairs. I've ceased feeling again. I tell her I want to stop talking about it. She thanks me. I just miss talking to her like we used to. We try to have conversation, but we can't do it. I text my ex girlfriend from 4th grade. Or rather, she texts me. We've been talking for a while. We talk about self-confidence. She needs some. I have none to give her.

          That night is the worst one yet. The most detailed. I dream that I'm walking through the park with her. She laughs, kisses my cheek, then runs off into the graveyard. I smile and follow her. She gets in a car parked by the road. I look in the window. He's fucking her in the back seat. The car doors are locked. I bang on the windows. She looks up at me and smiles, then tells me how much she loves me. I break my knuckles on the car window. I fall to the ground, sobbing. After they finish, she gets out of the car. Says she's sorry. I hold her for a while. Then she gets up. Grabs Michaels hand and walks away, leaving me. After they leave, the ground swallows me up. I'm sitting in blackness, in nothingness. I wake up. I chewed my fucking knucks again, through the bandages. I wrap them up again, and read a book. I've slept for 1 hour and 43 minutes tonight. Most sleep I've gotten all week.